Medical Gaslighting

07 Saturday Oct 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Injustice, Medical Abuse, Medical Gaslighting, Neuroscience and abuse, Oppression of women, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Retraumatizing, Uncategorized

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Today I delve into a unique form of abuse perpetrated against a unique group of people…those with invisible illnesses. The culprits are our respected and trusted medical professionals, to whom we turn at our most vulnerable.

A demonstrable link exists between long term abuse and the development of chronic, auto-immune and neurological illnesses. This is not because these diseases are psychosomatic, but because relentless abuse keeps us hypervigilant, stressed and anxious for years on end. This unremitting stress eventually collapses the immune system, allowing opportunistic viruses, bacteria, fungus and parasites to cause irreparable damage to multiple bodily systems.

Because these diseases are often invisible, with complex aetiology, disease patterns and prognosis, they are frequently dismissed by medical professionals as ‘all in our heads’, despite modern MRI, SPECT and other medical imaging that reveals clear biological damage. Brain lesions, cardiac disease, adrenal insufficiency and muscle abnormalities are but the tip of the iceberg. Despite this evidence, and because these invisible illnesses largely befall women, medical professionals conveniently put us in the too hard basket. We’re labelled hysterical women and offered no guidance or treatment, only disdain. In many cases, doctors are downright negligent and responsible for the rapid decline of far too many patients. Whatever happened to ‘first do no harm’?

For many seriously ill people, this medical mindset rubs off on family, friends, employers and government agencies, who label us lazy, neurotic, self-centred malingerers. Yet couch potatoes rarely contract invisible illnesses. Chronically sick people, once hardworking and committed, are left with no ability to perform basic daily functions, too sick to work and left to cope completely unsupported; living in poverty, sometimes homeless, going without food and basic necessities. They are largely friendless and forgotten, neglected and maligned by every facet of society.

This, my friends, is medical gaslighting. It is systemic abuse at its finest.

A snapshot of my own personal experience of medical gaslighting:

In 1994, while single parenting two young daughters, I began to experience excessively heavy and lengthy menstrual periods. I bled pretty much non-stop, with the occasional few days off per month. Even donning heavy flow, double-protection right before driving the kids to school, blood would be dripping into my boots by the time I arrived home. Doctor after doctor fobbed me off, occasionally prescribing me a different contraceptive pill. None made a difference. No doctor took my blood count, or thought to palpate my uterus.

Eventually, I stuck with a doctor who seemed like a ‘nice guy’ but even so, six months later, nothing had changed. I continued to decline under his care until a friend popped in one day, took one look at me and ordered, ‘Take your makeup off, get in the car! I’m taking you to the doctor and I’m not leaving until he’s booked you into the hospital.’ And so, I did.

The doctor spoke briefly to the hospital registrar. ‘She’s a bit anaemic. Her blood count’s probably around 10.’

In fact, it teetered around 6.4. I needed a massive and immediate blood transfusion with doctors hoping I wouldn’t fall into a coma. Fortunately, I didn’t, and weeks later I went under the surgeon’s knife to remove a huge uterine fibroid tumour. A nasty wound infection and reaction to antibiotics followed.

Before I recovered from surgery, I contracted the virus that caused my Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). I firmly believe that, had I received timely medical treatment, my life would have followed a vastly different trajectory. You see, I never recovered, and am now a 28-year veteran of the disease.     

1995 though, was only the beginning of the medical gaslighting. After contracting ME, and desperately seeking answers, working part time and raising my girls unsupported, I was floundering. I needed time off work and went in search of an appropriate medical certificate. It was only when I left the surgery that I read it: ‘Melinda Jensen is suffering from Melinda Jensen.’

Back I went to show the doctor her her, ‘mistake’. She laughed. ‘I think it’s pretty accurate.’

Being disbelieved, shamed, and invalidated is soul crushing.

Another day, another doctor. This guy’s words both stunned and stung me. ‘You just need to make up your mind that this is it. This is as good as it gets. It’s a woman’s lot in life to suffer.’

Sick of hearing it yet? I was definitely sick of living it. But 2009 brought another opportunity to be treated like the village idiot. A vehicle accident landed me in hospital where I was examined by the duty doctor. I described my pain intensity…high!..and indicated where I believed my bones were broken. After a gruff examination, Dr Couldn’t-care-less refused an Xray, since I ‘clearly’ had no broken bones and was just suffering from a bit of bruising. (Oh, silly bloody me!) I begged to differ. He argued the toss. Thank God my oldest daughter arrived. Fixing him with her ‘don’t mess with me’ stare, she insisted.

He caved…angrily. ‘They won’t find anything!

He was wrong. The radiologist identified 6 broken ribs, a broken collar bone, punctured lung and torn rotator cuff. The doctor stormed off!

A couple of years and many doctors later I chanced upon a GP who seemed genuinely kind. I presented him with the current research and asked specifically for a SPECT scan and MRI of the brain. He hummed and hawed, gave me a goofy grin, and said the scans would find nothing. But he was willing to order them! A small win.

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The results revealed significantly reduced blood flow on the brain SPECT (indicating brain pathology) and significant white matter lesions on the MRI (ie brain damage not unlike that seen in Multiple Sclerosis). My ‘kind’ doctor was surprised (I seem to surprise doctors quite a bit.) Then he hit me with, ‘Are you working yet?’

He concluded every appointment after that the same way, ‘Are you working yet?’

I’ve been too ill to work for decades now and am currently bed-bound for the best part of the day.

I’d like to say that was the end of the medical gaslighting…but not much has changed since 1995.

In the grand scheme of things, my story isn’t important, but it is illustrative. I’m one of millions of people who have invisible illnesses, including . We receive criminally negligent treatment from medical professionals the world over…an appalling abuse of trust perpetrated against some of the most vulnerable members of society by some of the most powerful.

For shame!

(For more information on Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME/CFS) please see https://www.nightingale.ca/)

She said what? The Verbal Giveaways of a Covert Narcissist

28 Monday Aug 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Covert Narcissism, Emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Just like Overt Narcissists, the covert narc will love bomb you in the early stages of the relationship, but the manner in which they woo you is different.

They’ll listen intently to every word you say, making you feel completely heard and understood, perhaps for the first time ever. They’ll also mirror you – pretending to be interested in what you’re interested in; your likes and dislikes; your goals and aspirations.

It’s seductive stuff. You might…and probably will…believe you’ve met your true soulmate. Your values are the same, your goals, your plans for the future, your tastes in music, art, politics and home decor. You name it. What magic!

Until the rot sets in…right after they have you hooked. At this point, a covert narcissist’s mask will slip…a mask that hides who they truly are. And who are they really? The polar opposite of what you see when their mask is firmly on.

If they’ve been kind till now, they’ll reveal themselves as downright emotionally and verbally cruel. If they’ve been gentle with your feelings in the past, they’ll now be brutal. Their flip to the dark side comes as a shock.

Once you reach that stage in the relationship, their verbal behaviour will change, even if yours remains consistent. At first it will be subtle. After presenting themselves as well-calibrated, mentally balanced, spiritual, kind, non-materialistic, non-judgemental and humble, they’ll let you know about the past traumas or experiences that have deeply affected them in a negative manner. All these experiences will be the fault of someone else. You’re meant to feel very sorry for them, such wonderful people as they believe themselves to be.

There’s nothing wrong with some well-placed empathy on your part. Empathy is a highly desirable trait in ourselves and our partners. It’s the degree of empathy a covert narcissist needs, repeatedly, that drains you dry. At the same time, they begin to diminish your own troubles and experiences, tossing them off as trivial compared to their own. Why? Because they’re highly invested in being the biggest martyr, the longest suffering and most tortured creature, no less than Jesus Christ himself on the cross. Some covert narcissists do, in fact, have a religious fixation, identifying completely with the martyrdom of the saints, and not necessarily within a Christian worldview. All major religions have their martyrs and so do atheists.

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If you’ve had a rough day and want to talk about it with them, you’ll get five seconds of, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s awful.’ (Perhaps accompanied by an eye roll or a bored look, or even a contemptuous laugh.) Then, wait for it! ‘But what about my day, darling? Do you know what I’ve had to go through today?’ Your own feelings will now be neatly sidelined while they regale you with hours and hours of their woes.

If you’re sick, they’re always sicker. If you’re tired, they’re so completely exhausted they can’t lift a finger. If you’re sad, they’re in a major depression. You’ll have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up because they need your full quota of sympathy.

And you’d better give it to them, or the rage will set in, often displayed by pointed passive aggressive behaviours and words. (More about passive aggressive behaviours in a future post.)

You’ll notice a distinct pattern over time, and you’ll pay the price of feeling unimportant, unseen, unheard and unloved while, at the same time, having to find resources deep within you to continue supporting and sympathizing with the other.

As with all abuse, the abuse of a covert narcissist is cyclic, orbiting through all the stages of abuse, from love-bombing, to disenchantment, to devaluation and abuse, and back again.

No relationship, not even a friendship, can sustain continuous emotional neglect. And if you’re wondering whether neglecting someone emotionally is abusive, I can say for sure that it is. It’s an intensely painful and lonely way to live.

The compliments and support you received during the love bombing stage shift surprisingly rapidly to insults and neglect. You’ll still receive their compliments but with a sting in the tail that leaves you confused.

They begin to season their compliments with a bit of a backhand. ‘You look great…you know, for your age; considering you’ve had a rough life.’

‘Dinner was great, babe. I mean, it’s a lazy way to cook but I guess it’s quick.’

‘You look stunning!’ they’ll tell you as you get ready for a night out. Yet at some point during the evening, they’ll mention your physical flaws.

If you’re self-conscious about your aging arms, they’ll stun you with, ‘Your arms are all crinkly!’

That was a compliment I received personally during my own relationship with a narcissist, and it was timed for that lull in the general conversation around the table during a family get-together. Everybody looked. I was mortified, and God bless my daughter for saying, ‘You just have goosebumps mum. It’s cold.’

Whether it’s the pimple you thought you’d camouflaged successfully, your crinkly neck skin or a stray grey hair, they’ll hone in on it at a strategic point. They build you up, just to bring you down.

Look for verbal behaviours like:

  • ‘After everything I’ve done for you…’
  • ‘How can you be smiling when I’ve had such a terrible day?’
  • ‘You might think you’re tired but you have no idea how exhausted I am.’
  • ‘That’s a beautiful ring you’re wearing. If only you could do something about your gnarly old hands.’
  • ‘You got 98%? What happened to the other two percent?’ (Later, they’ll insist they were only joking.)
  • ‘I love your hairstyle. It doesn’t suit you though.’
  • ‘Nice dress. How much did I pay for it?’
  • ‘I love you! But you’re f&*#%@g psycho.’ (At one point, I was ‘gifted’ this phrase repeatedly.)
  • ‘No one appreciates how hard I work.’
  • ‘The only reason I don’t get promoted is because everyone is jealous of me.’ (Nothing is ever their fault.)
  • ‘No, you can’t have your friends over. I’m all you should need.’
  • And ultimately, ‘You can’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I’ll kill myself.’ (Very unlikely)

This is far from an exhaustive list, of course, but by now I hope you have a better idea of what you’re up against. Eventually, a covert narcissist sabotages their own life and happiness. Don’t let them drag you down with them.

Spotting the Covert Narcissist

28 Friday Jul 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Verbal abuse

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See the quiet person standing in the corner, impeccably dressed and not really engaging with the people around them?

You might assume they’re the strong, silent type, or perhaps that they’re a thoughtful introvert. Or maybe they’re just plain shy.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, you’ve just spotted a covert narcissist. They’re slippery customers and you shouldn’t trust your first impressions. You can, however, learn to be aware of the markers – the red flags – of covert narcissism – if you want to avoid their clutches. And believe me, you do want to avoid their clutches.

While this blog isn’t about narcissists per se, narcissism features prominently on its pages and posts because there’s an undeniable link between people with a high level of narcissistic traits and the tendency to be extremely abusive. They are master manipulators with a layer of superficial charm, and often the intelligence to ‘play’ you until they have what they want. While not all narcissists are abusers, we can safely say that all abusers have a high level of narcissistic traits. While few will have a clinical diagnosis of full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they will display some of the same nefarious personality traits.

Overt narcissists are easy to identify. They’re garrulous, have flamboyant gestures and are often magnanimous with their praise, mostly of themselves but also of their chosen targets, at least in the early stages of the relationship. Most are flagrantly boastful and seemingly without shame. People are often attracted by their confidence and ability to take charge.

Covert narcissism, however, is in many ways far more insidious in the way it draws us into the orbit of someone who seems to be quite introverted, perhaps a little needy and unsure of themselves, charmingly self-deprecating and with a seemingly unassuming disposition. They’re magnets for those of us who have high levels of empathy.

And they know it!

Relationships with narcissists are not always romantic. They exploit all their relationships…familial, friendship-based, intimate or business.

Generally, true introverts are a delight to be around. They’re great listeners and not averse to joining in interesting conversations in their own quiet way. They won’t talk over the top of you or attempt to steal your thunder, and they tend to be there for you when you need a listening ear and a helping hand. They get you.

Covert narcissists however, while having the appearance of being introverted, differ from introverts in that they’re very poor listeners, largely because they’re not the slightest bit interested in anyone else or in their lives and problems. They believe themselves to be far superior to the average Joe or Joanna, a belief that underpins their aura of magnetic aloofness. They can be truly condescending, but rather than use obvious verbal putdowns, they’ll likely betray themselves with a ‘bored’ look, a rude yawn or a well-timed eye-roll. Watching out for the subtle non-verbal gestures that indicate indifference and arrogance, is crucial in differentiating between a genuine introvert and a covert narcissist. It won’t be until later in the relationship that you’ll notice specific verbal cues giving them away and making you extremely uncomfortable. Personally, I feel extremely stressed when in the company of these people, and have learned to heed the warning…a gut feeling…to stay away from them.

Like all narcissists, the covert variety are on their very best behaviour in the early stages of the relationship, and are eminently capable of love-bombing you with their sweet neediness. They might make you feel like you’re the most desirable, loveable, and intriguingly clever person in their world, simply because they can’t bear to be away from you, needing you to be close by at all times, desperate to know what you think; and needing constant reassurances. Trust me, this becomes exhausting. But by the time emotional fatigue sets in, you’re likely to be well-embroiled in their game, feeling your sanity slowly slipping away, along with your patience.

To be around a covert narcissist is confusing to say the least, expert as they are at giving mismatched and mixed signals, keeping you constantly off-balance and unsure of yourself.

And in my experience, while all narcissists will suck you dry, a covert narcissist is a consummate maestro when it comes to emotional vampirism. They’ll ring every last drop of energy and emotion from you and still be left wanting more.

My next post will address the verbal behaviours of covert narcissists that inevitably appear in the next stage of the relationship…after the initial love-bombing. These behaviours have the same impact as the blatant verbal put-downs and scathing dressing downs received at the hands of an overt narcissist, while masquerading as humour, compliments (usually backhanded), care and concern. If anything, this subtler form of gaslighting is more crazy-making than its blatant counterpart.

What to take from this post:

Covert narcissists:

1.  Are quiet and aloof

2.  Are supercilious/condescending

3.  Believe they’re superior to their fellow human beings

4.  Are extremely needy

5.  Are insecure and jealous

6.  Engage in non-verbal behaviours that indicate their internal state of emptiness.

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What to watch out for:

Inappropriate yawning

Rude eye rolling

Sighing and looking away when others speak

Disinterest in engaging with other people’s conversations

Poor listening skills

Any facial expression that looks disdainful

More about Narcissistic Supply

04 Wednesday Jan 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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A friend of mine is currently going through a messy, painful divorce and property settlement with his indubitably narcissistic wife, soon to be blessed ‘ex’. He doesn’t feel ‘blessed’ yet, but God willing, he will in time.

Last week, as I rallied in support of him with mutual friends, the question of whether or not his wife might already be scouting out his replacement (or potential replacements, plural), I noted that it’s inevitable she’s lining up her possibilities (potential victims), courting and grooming them, ready to take over before the current relationship has reached a definitive end. A dyed-in-the wool narcissist, you see, can’t live for even the briefest second without a satisfactory narcissistic supply. Narcissistic ‘supply’ is to a narc what insulin is to a diabetic – essential to life itself. In an emotional and psychological sense, narcissists are insatiable. There’s an empty space inside them that’s impossible to fill, and they’ll suck you dry before discarding you for the next ‘meal’.

Narcissists seem confident; full of their own self worth and appearing to possess, in spades, all the attributes that mark them as capable, independent and emotionally stable. Their steps seem surefooted. They never seem to doubt their own judgement. They inspire people and gather them like moths to the light.

And yet, in truth, their egos are infinitely fragile, built on melting ice and unstable scree slopes. Narcissists have no real depth, no true spirituality or convictions, no strength of character built on their experiences and achievements, no true sense of who they are or what they stand for. Instead, they fill these emotional and psychological voids with other people who are willing to prop them up, and with grandiose schemes that rarely have a basis in reality. They appear independent and yet are desperately, desperately dependent on others. Their inner life is a void that must be filled. And the best and most satisfying way to fill that void is to ensure a steady narcissistic supply.

If you happen to be chosen as that narcissistic supply, then what you really are is their victim. As one victim fades from view, another or others, must be recruited quickly. In the meantime, narcissists keep their original victim dangling, toing and froing, while they throw out the occasional ‘carrot’, torturing and tormenting, right up until they’ve snagged their next victim. During this time period, you’re in serious danger of being manipulated out of your house, your money, your job, your assets and your bank account. You’ll also likely lose friends and the confidence of family. Narcs know you’re still bound to them via a deep trauma bond, and that you’ll possibly do anything (still!) to keep them happy and perhaps, just perhaps, ‘win’ them back.

But you won’t win them back. They’ve already moved on in their minds and in their shrivelled hearts.

All they care about at this point is making the greatest use of you they can while they reel in their latest narcissistic supply. When that supply is well and truly hooked, they’ll cut you loose without a backward glance.

In the meantime? Watch your reputation being shredded, dragged through the gutter and spread about town like a dust storm from the west. You’ll hear things about yourself you couldn’t possibly have dreamed, and sadly, given the narcissist’s talent for pulling the wool over people’s eyes, many will believe the lives. Your reputation may well end up in tatters.

It sounds dire. It sounds frightening. But forewarned is forearmed.

When you’re eventually replaced, it will hurt. You’re going to ask yourself what it is about this new person that makes your former partner love them and not you. What is it you lack? Where are your deficits? What, man!…the hell is wrong with you! If you’re anything like me, you’ll spend endless hours inside your head, going over and over every conversation, every incident, every accusation and complaint made against you. You’ll be looking for answers as to why you were so brutally discarded.

You’ll believe that the reason has everything to do with you and your shortcomings and nothing to do with the image of perfection the narcissist has carefully constructed about themselves in your mind. But you’ll be wrong. The end of your relationship has everything to do with the emptiness, the callousness, the selfishness and the utter delusion of your narcissistic partner.

You can never fill them up the way they need to be filled. No-one can. Whoever they choose as their next narcissistic supply will find that out eventually too, when the honeymoon phase fades into the sunset, as it invariably will.

Deflection: Such an Effective way to Invalidate you

10 Monday Oct 2022

Posted by in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship advice, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Image of a brother and sister arguing, with one of them not listening and using a hand gesture to tell the other person to stop.
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The unwillingness to accept responsibility stems from a huge and fragile ego. It also stems from cowardice. Bullies and abusers are always cowards. They don’t have the intestinal fortitude to face the fact they’re culpable of any, and many, transgressions, and they’ll tear you apart at the slightest criticism, no matter how warranted.

It’s this unwillingness to take personal responsibility that leads abusers to use any, and sometimes, every form of psychological defense mechanism, with devastating effect on their prey.

One of the most maddening, confusing and stress-inducing of these defense mechanisms is ‘deflection’. By deflecting blame, especially in the heat of the moment, abusers throw their victims off course and turn the whole situation back on them.

You end up having to defend yourself against a barrage of cruel allegations that bear little resemblance to reality.

He’ll say, ‘What have you ever done for me?’ (Plenty, is my guess.)

He’ll snarl, ‘You lied about my kids.’ (You know you didn’t.)

He’ll stab his finger at you and yell, ‘It’s your fault my family wants nothing to do with us.’ (In truth, you’ve turned yourself inside out to bring about reconciliation and relationship, and copped a truckload of abuse from his family for your trouble.)

The fact that he doesn’t recognize the truth about you; the way you’ve been doing everything possible to foster a harmonious marriage and family, only to be brutally hit with accusations to the contrary, is really, really hurtful.

And you’ll feel desperate to defend yourself – to get him to see the truth. But he never will, because it doesn’t suit his narrative. Or perhaps, even more insidiously, he does know the truth but has only one goal in mind; to decimate you emotionally. To shut you down, silence you and avoid facing his own shortcomings. He knows he’s hurting you and he just keeps going, bludgeoning you verbally with more and more outlandish accusations, putting you in the position of having to prove him wrong.

One way to recognize if someone is employing this strategy against you is to ask yourself if you entered the discussion with one intention and then found that the discussion that needed to be had didn’t happen at all. The conversation was hijacked and taken in an entirely different direction. Did you want to talk about the way he belittled you in front of friends, for instance, but ended up talking about every little grievance he has against you? And most likely it will be the same list that comes up over and over again, whenever you try to breach a difficult subject. That too, is a clue. Over time, you should almost be able to predict what he’s going to blast you with.

You end up apologizing, don’t you? And begging for forgiveness? And just wanting the relentless verbal assault on your character to stop?

Heaven forbid that a conversation should ever revolve around your needs and not his!

I vividly recall finding myself in this dilemma time and again, and yet it took me years to pull apart what was really happening; to learn to recognize this deflection of blame while it was actually happening. Keeping a level head at these times is extremely challenging and yet, it’s essential if you’re ever going to extract yourself from the cycle of abuse. If you don’t clearly recognize what’s really happening, you can’t look it in the face for what it is…and reject it.

You can’t say ‘no’ with clarity, and walk away.

You have the right to speak your truth. A rational, mature person will be able to take that in their stride, even if speaking your truth brings up their faults and failings. They might feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, confused, sad, or even angry at first. But they will address the issue. They’ll be big enough to talk it through with you; to hear you. They will not silence you by attacking you and your vulnerabilities. And they will most certainly not turn the conversation back on you, making you the culprit.

It’s essential for you to recognize when this is happening – right in the midst of it. You need to call your accuser out. Tell them that what they’re saying has nothing to do with the issue at hand, and that you’re aware they’re sidestepping the problem by mentioning subjects that are totally irrelevant. They need to know that you know they’re not answering your questions, and that you’re aware they’re perpetuating a pattern that’s designed to ‘get them off the hook’. You need to insist on a rational, clear-headed response from them that is a direct response to your questions and grievances. If they’re not rational enough to do that, and abusers never are, then you need to turn your back and refuse to continue the conversation.

It’s breathtakingly difficult. Every raw nerve, every traumatic trigger will have been thrown in your face. You’ll want to defend yourself against all the irrelevant accusations, but you don’t need to. In fact, you shouldn’t even try. It’s just a game to them…an ugly, cruel game that’s fully intended to ensure you look like the bad guy, and they look like the long-suffering martyr.

All they want is to throw you off kilter so they don’t have to face their own short-comings. Don’t let them get away with it. Keep bringing them back to the point. If that doesn’t help, turn your back and exit the conversation.

If the pattern continues without abating, I suggest you think long and hard about exiting the relationship entirely. It may well be time to take back your sanity.

The Seventh Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse – They use your righteous anger against you.

21 Wednesday Jul 2021

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While I was growing up, I was terrified of my own anger.

Like so many others who grew up as very late-stage Baby Boomers, I was caught between the good girl, ‘children are to be seen and not heard’ era of post-World War II, and what some have called the ‘dawning of the Age of Aquarius’, a period in which freedom and peace were the call of the heart while the mind wandered about, like a boat without a rudder, looking for an anchor. We had conscientious objectors to the war in Vietnam, Hippy buses painted with bright flowers and peace signs, free love and Woodstock. We had ‘Jesus’ buses and Hari Krishnas with jingling bells on their sandals, but we also had patriarchal power structures in every facet of life. At the same time, we were in the grips of second wave feminism.

This transition period was confusing. Some of us were forced into one camp or the other without our consent.

I desperately wanted to be able to express my authentic self but my parents remained somewhat stuck in the era of the Domestic Goddess, which neatly slotted all women into a limited role with stringent guidelines for feminine behaviour and absolute limits with regard to career choice. Freedom of speech was reserved for men. For women, laughing too loudly was deemed ‘ugly’; any expression of anger roundly condemned and punished, no matter how justified; any attempts to shut ourselves off from the world thwarted by demands to interact with family; closed bedroom doors were forcibly opened and contact with peers disallowed.

Sound familiar?

You may not have grown up in my era but, if you’re in a relationship with a controlling, abusive person, you’ll know all about being punished for daring to be angry, even when your anger is self protective and justifiable.

It took me far too long to learn that ‘righteous’ anger is not only acceptable, but often, essential. Anger in and of itself is nothing more than a feeling…a very important feeling that alerts us to the fact that our boundaries are being violated. And when our boundaries are being violated, physically, emotionally or psychologically, we need to say ‘No’! Forcefully, if necessary. And in a rational manner if we’re able to.

But we’re not always able to portray our message calmly and rationally. If we’ve been kept under strict control by those who have no compunction about using verbal and emotional aggression against us; silenced by their attacks, be those attacks overt or covert; punished relentlessly for every perceived slight, no matter how irrational; it just might be beyond our capabilities to stand our ground logically and without undue emotion. I would say it’s nigh impossible. We are the deer caught in the headlights…startled, panicked and at the mercy of our innate responses – fight or flight.

But at times, I managed it…to launch a logical debate without undue emotion…to present facts in a calm (and often soothing) voice. It took a huge effort of will from this exhausted human being, drained like so many of you, by emotional vampires baying for our blood. And yet, even when I managed it, did it make any difference to the outcome foisted upon me by my narcissistic abuser? No! It did not.

We must always remember that we’re dealing with people who aren’t in a rational frame of mind. They’re not rational by nature. Any attempt to use logic will fall on deaf ears. They simply cannot and will not, enter into a civil and fair conversation. To face facts and logic would tear down their fragile shell. It would destroy the twisted framework on which they have built their lives.

Don’t expect this to change. The odds are virtually non-existent.

Knowing this…believing this…will hopefully bring you a ‘light bulb’ moment.

You have a right to be angry when you are mistreated; lied to; manipulated; denigrated; invalidated; demeaned; isolated from friends and family; your most vulnerable emotional wounds ripped open; your truth denied; your efforts to build relationship derided; your thoughts and words mocked; your feelings disregarded; your hopes discarded.

Be angry.

Expect the inevitable. You’ll be torn apart and treated to another round of abuse and manipulation. You know this. You’ve been here before.

Now you know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the narcissistic, entitled ‘jailer’ in your life.

They will use your righteous anger against you.

They inflame that righteous anger by their unjust treatment of you. They set you up…they bait you. And then, when you take the bait, they will blame you. They will use your justified anger against you.

Every…single…time.

The Sixth Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse – The Recurring Honeymoon Phase

30 Wednesday Jun 2021

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Like all moon phases, the ‘honeymoon’ phase that victims of narcissistic abuse experience at the hands of their tormentors, is predictable, cyclic, and inevitable. Like a waning gibbous moon, an abuser’s supply of adulation, dependence and fear, which they so desperately need from their victims, also dwindles according to an ancient rhythm. Their need to reassert control, continue to destroy the psyche of their victims, replenish their dopamine supply and ascend, like the planets (or the gods), to their most superior position, becomes their driving force.

Your feeling of safety, security, contentment and rising self esteem is an existential threat to the narcissist in your life. The last days of the honeymoon phase are fraught with danger; sadly, a danger that you can’t sidestep, no matter what you do.

So what, then, is this honeymoon phase? It’s certainly not what we normally perceive as a honeymoon – a time of intense bonding, the making of precious memories that sustain a partnership through hard times, a tender period in which we lay our vulnerable selves before our lovers, hopeful for a fulfilling future. Instead, it’s a period during which tensions escalate…the period following a particularly devastating experience of abuse, during which your tormentor is deeply, intensely sorry.

They will love bomb you…just as they did at the beginning of your relationship. They’re relying on that powerful initial ‘hook’ to draw you back in; make you remember the good times; give you hope; shower you with tenderness that soothes your hurting heart and soul. They conditioned you for this. They set you up for it.

The bastards. Yes, they will do this to you.

Beware the end of the honeymoon phase. And also be aware that there are indicators of the trouble ahead. Tensions will be escalating.

You’ll be aware of a sharp word here and there but be expected to just brush it off. After all, things have been so perfect between you lately, it must be your imagination. You’re too sensitive, of course. You’ve been told that so many times before, haven’t you? You also can’t trust your own perceptions or memories. You doubt yourself.

Understand that the reason you doubt yourself is because of the relentless gaslighting of the narcissist in your life.

Centre yourself. Remember when you felt like ‘you’. Remember the days when you trusted your own experience implicitly. Remember when you were sure of your truth. Remember when you stood strongly upon your convictions and knew who you really were.

You are still that person.

What happened after the last episode of violence? Please know that violence is just as real and damaging whether it is physical, verbal, psychological, emotional or sexual. Usually, it’s a messy combination. The last time you felt utterly destroyed by your abuser is the last episode of violence. As often as not, you bear no physical scars.

So what happened, then? Let me predict.

Your abuser was ashamed of himself. He’s so sorry he ever treated you that way? Did she blush all shades of red with her lashes lowered and her head bent?

Does she tell you she’s never acted like this before and doesn’t understand why she’s doing it now? But she’s never going to do it again.

He’ll change. You can count on that. Things will be different from now on.

They love you so very, very much, don’t they?

And that’s exactly what your wounded and starving heart wants and needs to hear.

And they know it. They invest only in themselves, and they know that to keep you in this relationship they need to give you what you most need. But they can’t give it to you. They don’t have those deep reserves of love within themselves.

And so, they pretend.

They’re good at it. They probably have most of the people in your joint lives convinced of their sincerity. If you doubt them, then it’s your own mental and emotional state that must be compromised. That’s what you’ve been conditioned to believe. That’s also what those in your tormentor’s circle of influence have been conditioned to believe.

Doubt them anyway.

Watch for the pattern and in time, you’ll see it form clearly in your mind’s eye. This is one of the biggest signs that you are in a psychologically and emotionally dangerous relationship with someone who is narcissistic, entitled and incapable of real love. I’d like to be able to say that these people can change but anecdotal evidence doesn’t support it. Scholarly research articles are few but those they exist remain far from optimistic about positive outcomes. It may depend on the degree of psychopathology. It definitely depends on the willingness of your abuser to admit and confront his deepest fears and be willing to challenge his strongest convictions (that of his own perfection and your inferiority).

Like most of us who have been in this position as the underdog, you’ll be holding out hope; wanting to believe that your partner is different; that she or he will be the one who turns their lives around, and hence your happy ending is just a matter of time. I can only say for certain, that if there’s to be the slightest chance of that momentous change taking place, you will need to leave first and completely withdraw all contact. No compromises. None.

Let go. As trite as that sounds, it’s not trite. Make a clean break. Get on with your purpose-filled, meaningful, valuable life. Love yourself the way your partner could not.

Above all, remember that every time you went through the honeymoon phase, you ended up more devastated than before. People like you and me have ended up dead by refusing to acknowledge the truth. Some suicide. Many more develop serious physical illness as a result of the relentless draining of our adrenals; the strain on our hearts; and the rapid depletion of our immune systems.

You are worth far more than that.

Let go.

The Fifth Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

27 Sunday Jun 2021

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From time to time, I answer questions on a website called Quora. Recently, a member of Quora asked a poignant question regarding narcissists and their behaviour, and I answered it in as plain a manner as possible.

The Question was: Do narcissists create problems on purpose and start fights for the sake of arguing with you?

My answer is one I’m sure will resonate with those of you who have been involved in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic abuser. It also outlines and explains a very important indicator of narcissistic abuse for those who are still struggling to recognize that what they’re going through is toxic and destructive in the extreme. I present it here as a stand-alone indicator that you are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist – as the Fifth Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse.

So here it is – the Fifth Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse:

A resounding yes! Creating problems and blaming you for them is what narcissists do as naturally as breathing. It’s one of the most powerful tools in their arsenal of controlling behaviours and they seem to get quite uncomfortable if there’s been a period of relative calm in your relationship.

They can’t have you feeling happy or content lest you get grand ideas about being equal or even valuable. They need you to be the underdog so they can verbally, psychologically, emotionally, and sometimes even physically kick you back into your ‘place’ of submission. That’s their comfort zone – one of superiority, authority and control. You’re their punching bag and each time they ‘score’ over you, they receive a huge dopamine hit to the brain. Dopamine is a chemical called a neurotransmitter and is known as the ‘feel good’ neurotransmitter. Causing you pain literally makes these people feel good.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist you’ll already be hyper-vigilant to any words or behaviours of your own that have triggered outbursts from the narcissist in the past. You’ll be working hard to avoid upsetting them in order to stave off another abusive attack. If you’re too successful and don’t inadvertently say or do something that can be twisted into a reason for your narcissist’s outburst for a few days, then he/she will just have to invent something. It’s all part of the cycle of abuse.

This is crazy-making behaviour and very, very insidious. Most, if not all victims of narcissistic abuse believe they’re losing their minds at some point during the relationship. They fear for their own mental faculties. Narcissists are heavily invested in you feeling unhinged, especially if they can convince you they’re the well-calibrated one and you ‘need’ them to keep you safe from yourself. They like to persuade you that you can’t handle life without them, despite life ‘with’ them being utterly miserable.

I have personally been to hell an back with this particular phenomenon. I’ve woken up in the morning to be told that the night before I’d insulted his mother. He was red and raging with fury and I was sick with fear. As far as I remembered, we hadn’t discussed his mother at all and I certainly hadn’t said anything negative. She’d passed away years before we were married and I only remember her fondly from my childhood. (Longish story.)

He just kept screaming at me – how dare I? What a psycho I am! Etc, etc, etc. As we were staying with my own mother at the time and had spent the entire evening talking to her, I checked in with her later, when we were alone. She was astounded and assured me I’d said nothing of the sort and that no conversation about his mother had taken place. That was a turning point for me – proof and validation that I was being lied to and baited.

The term ‘gaslighting’, which is now bandied about frequently when discussing narcissistic abuse is derived from the old movie ‘Gaslight’, in which a husband slowly but surely convinces his wife she’s crazy by deliberately dimming the gaslights briefly. When his wife comments on the lights going dim, he tells her no such thing happened. This scenario, along with other equally deceptive scenarios, are enacted over a period of time until she’s quite convinced she’s insane. (Despite being set in the 1940’s, the movie is actually still chilling today and worth watching for the insights it brings.)

Narcissists are very creative when it comes to inventing problems and casting a hundred percent of the blame on you, while being perfectly aware of their own duplicity. Again, it gives them quite a dopamine hit to have ‘put one over’ you. They’re very pleased with themselves for duping you and I expect that all narcissists engage in a psychological phenomenon called ‘duping delight’, which is a self-explanatory term. If ever you think you see a gleeful glint in their eye or a fleeting glimpse of a smile at your confusion and discomfort, then rest assured you’re witnessing someone in the throes of ‘duping delight’.

Not a pretty picture, is it? And yet that picture is an accurate representation of the narcissistic landscape. If you suspect this is happening to you, please get help. Educate yourself with the wealth of excellent reading material available over the internet and in books, and enlist a therapist if you can. Then…run!

Fourth Indicator Of Narcissistic Abuse: The Flying Monkey Troupe

24 Monday Aug 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, Flying Monkeys, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Who else thinks ‘The Wizard of Oz’ is one of the greatest screen classics of all time? Don’t you just love all those larger than life characters? Dorothy, Toto and that ragtag band of lovable misfits? Of course, the Wicked Witch of the West is beyond the pale when it comes to wickedness, and we didn’t really care, did we, when she started to melt? But is there anything truly more loathsome than her wretched flying monkeys?

Illustration by me

They mindlessly, seemingly without the power of thought (even the level of thought attributed to the lowliest of the higher primates), did the witch’s bidding. And they did it gleefully, brutally and without a shred of mercy or remorse. Nothing beats the malice of a flying monkey.

Undoubtedly, they were weak-willed and lacking in character and moral judgement. And, so it is with the troupes of ‘flying monkeys’ that encircle, and do the bidding of your run-of-the-mill, narcissistic, emotional and psychological abuser.

Fuelled by the (dubious and insincere) esteem of their master or mistress, they leap into the fray in ignorant defence of someone who very likely views them as inferior, expedient and easily manipulated. We can forgive them for being ignorant (I suppose) but not for being malicious. They have something to gain from their willingness to attack the real victims of abuse, as flimsy as those gains are in a rational and moral light. They gain strokes to their fragile egos; pats on their backs; ingratiating thanks and sickly compliments about how wonderful and faithful they are. They have already set your abuser up as a demi-god who can do no wrong and it’s far easier for them to believe it. There’s no need to think for themselves if they can simply place their trust in someone else – someone who has the confidence to present themselves as incredibly special and knowledgeable.

Truly, they walk among us, these flying monkeys, and they look just like you or me. Sometimes – more often than I care to remember – they are our friends and family. That’s why their attacks hurt so much. It’s also one reason they are ‘chosen’ by our abuser.

So, what is their role, these misguided and weak-willed beings, so lacking in insight?

As with every other strategy used by a controlling narcissist, their purpose is to undermine you; destroy your belief in yourself and your own reality; convince you that you are not the victim of abuse but the perpetrator; confuse you about what happened and what didn’t’; remove your sources of support by spreading the word of your ‘craziness’ amongst your social and family groups; and hit you relentlessly with cruel accusations. It’s one thing to take a ‘barb’ from one source. En masse it is soul destroying and very much a part of the ‘crazy-making’ agenda.

By this stage you’ve probably already been isolated from your entire support system. The narcissist and their flying monkeys may well be all you know. You’re alone and under attack.

I found myself in that position a decade ago. It destroyed my mental and emotional health and added a whole new dimension to my ever-present debilitating physical condition. I wish I could outline the details here, as real-life examples are so instructive, but I believe it would set me up for defamation charges, so I must hold off. Abusive people are perpetually indignant and ready to bring in the law when exposed for what they are. Truth is no defence.

The flying monkeys you encounter may not always be overtly abusive but beware of their covert attacks. They have an endless repertoire of reproachful looks, dramatic facial expressions of hurt, disbelief and disapproval, barely concealed whispers ‘behind your back’ (yet designed for you to be aware of), and are often gifted with spiteful innuendo. They’ll emulate their master’s/mistress’s penchant for protracted periods of the silent treatment. A concerted attack by a whole group will bring you to your knees. And they’ll kick you while you’re down.

Because they do such a large portion of the abuser’s dirty work (while the abuser slips under the public radar), they help to fuel the illusion that the abuser is actually squeaky clean. Innocent. It’s a neat trick. Deflection. Diffusion of responsibility.

It’s particularly insidious when an abusive individual enlists children to the role. Perhaps they are your stepchildren or even your own children who are being poisoned by an estranged spouse. These kids don’t yet have fully formed personalities, characters, morals or world views. They’re a piece of cake to manipulate, making them an attractive choice for your unscrupulous tormentor. They’re innocent pawns in a sick game.

Adults, however, are a different prospect. They are chosen for their inherent weaknesses. They need to be easily swayed, which means they’re intellectually lazy. They also need to obtain a measure of reward from hurting the victim (just as the perpetrator does). They undoubtedly love the drama of heightened emotions and the esteem derived from a pat on the back for a job well done by their puppet master. They lack moral fibre.

So, don’t listen to them. Don’t let them take up space in your head. On some deep level, possibly long buried, you still know who you are, what you believe in and what you stand for. Hold fast to that, and believe that one day, you’ll reclaim your authentic self.

Flying monkeys are cowards at heart. Stand strong but don’t try to fight them with rational words. They’re no more rational than instigator of the abuse. Turn your back. Laugh at them. Tell them they’re talking rubbish…and mostly, give them no sign that you are affected by their words and actions, even if you are affected at this moment. Fake it till you make it. It will reduce their power over you.

I’d like to say that they’ll eventually disappear from your life and leave your primary abuser to ‘gaslight’ you all by himself, but that’s unlikely to happen. I’ll tackle gaslighting in my next post. It’s the most devious, dangerous and cruel strategy of all. You need to be armed against it.

The Third Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

30 Thursday Jul 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Narcissists know everything. They know something about everything and everything about something. And there’s simply nothing they know nothing about. They are never wrong and you’d better not forget it.

Once again, the unbridled ego of the true narcissist shines through in all its questionable glory. Most of us are truly baffled when we first encounter this persistent narcissistic trait. The statements that issue from the mouths (and pens) of narcissists are uttered with such complete confidence that we automatically question our own knowledge-base and experience. We doubt our own intellect. The average person is usually willing to consider new points of view and to modify their own attitudes in the face of new information.  So, we give people the benefit of the doubt and wait patiently for an intelligent discussion about the topic at hand.

When a narcissist presents this new ‘information’, however, they present it without a shred of evidence, but rather, with sweeping statements about their own expertise in the area. They just ‘know’. Yes, they’re quite ‘certain about it’. No, we needn’t worry about this possibility or that nuance because the narcissist has got it covered. He’s thought it all through already and we needn’t worry our pretty little heads about such things. He worked in the industry for years and is quite simply, an expert. We don’t know his background, of course. We’re simply expected to take his word, just as we were expected to take his word on other topics, like environmental concerns, tree-felling, child-rearing, Asian culture, Buddhism, photography, running of corporations, how to fix just about everything, engineering, medical procedures, the cosmos, origins of the universe, true spirituality and the God particle.

My art, my face when listening to a narcissistic know it all

My face in the company of a narcissistic know-it-all. Original artwork by me.

‘I’ve built roads before. I know all about their construction and the materials used. So, let me take charge of the project and elect me as chairman of the committee and I’ll get things done!’

And that’s the crux of it. They want you to hand over your power and self-efficacy – to them. They feed off it. And so, they manipulate your trust, goad you with smiles and promises, and dazzle you with their (generally fictitious and at least, highly exaggerated) ‘expert’ backgrounds.

(At this point the flying monkeys will be nodding their heads seriously and expressing their extreme gratitude for the aptitude and competence of the speaker, relieved to leave everything in his or her hands. It’s truly a wonder to behold – and we’ll take an in-depth look at the ‘Flying Monkey Phenomenon’ in my next post.)

Confidence is an attractive trait and it’s not surprising people are drawn to more confident people. As with all traits, a narcissist takes this one too far, however. It’s not a characteristic they truly embody but is part of their mask, their persona. They put it on like a superhero’s cape and when they flourish it, some of us tend to swoon. We’re caught in the web of deceit by a mere confidence trick.

It’s important to keep a rational head in the face of this particular dilemma. It’s tempting just to go along with the schemes presented and take the speaker at his word. It saves us doing some thinking and investigating for ourselves and it also saves us from the uncomfortable proposition of having to confront the speaker with his or her ‘error’. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist outed!

It’s not easy – and I would argue, often impossible – to hold on to your intellectual rigour when you’re closely involved with a covert narcissist, one who specializes in psychological and emotional abuse. You will already be suffering the psychological and emotional consequences of their relentless gaslighting. If you’re deep in a relationship with such a person and are currently reading these words, I don’t advise you to start confronting them with the truth – that they are wrong; they are mistaken; they are misinformed; and will cause problems if allowed to hold sway and forge ahead with their plans.

I suggest it would be safer for you to note my words and begin to regain control of your own inner truth. It will give you strength and allow you to begin believing in yourself and your own reality once more. Now is not the time to make quick decisions but perhaps to begin formulating the best way forward for yourself. Control of your own mind is one of the most important steps you can take at this time.

Don’t be persuaded by superficial or emotional argument. If he says the road-base supplied by the contractor contains deadly silica dust and can cause silicosis (which is a modern version of asbestosis), look it up! Is he correct? In the instance I’m recalling, he most definitely was not. Despite that, he managed to insult the contractor, abuse (using filthy language) the good-hearted person who’d hired the contractor, cause chaos and hysteria among the people who believed in his expertise and whom he’d worked up to a frenzy – and then, he sat back to thoroughly enjoy the circus. He actually laughed at others’ distress in the face of his abuse and manipulation.

In this example, I was not close to the perpetrator. It was relatively easy for me to take an objective stance, check the facts and call him out on it. I still suffered the inevitable consequences of social rejection and ostracization by himself and his flying monkeys, and the character assassination that ensued behind my back, but his opinion of me was of no consequence. In times past, I’ve not had that privilege.

I’ve been married to a similar personality. I was never allowed to challenge his ‘expertise’, his ‘superior’ opinions and his self-proclaimed competence in virtually every area of life. What I did note, however, was his jealousy – his covetousness. He couldn’t bear for me to know things he didn’t know or for me to handle certain situations better than he did. He took my strengths and undermined them so that he could convince me they were weaknesses and prove to himself, and others, how much better than me he was. That is not the action of one who loves. It is the action of one who seeks to destroy. It is hateful and poisonous. One of the most effective methods he used was to boldly claim his superiority, his rightness…about everything…and to do so publicly and loudly. It was humiliating. It was meant to be humiliating.

It is in some ways very difficult to break the indicators of narcissistic abuse into neat categories because they are all intricately linked. It’s not possible to grasp the full psychological and emotional impact of each indicator without considering the impact of all the others. They work together to undermine the psyche, to destroy self-esteem, self-worth, self-belief and cruelly, to destroy your very sanity.

Yet, there is still something to be gained from spelling out each diabolical trait. If there is someone close to you who is always right and will not brook argument; who always knows what needs to be done and will not be thwarted without retaliating with severe verbal, emotional and psychological abuse; who consistently places himself in the position of ‘expert’; who sweeps aside your questions and concerns; who will not listen to your alternative views…beware! This is an extremely serious indicator that you may be in the clutches of a narcissistic abuser.

If his ‘flying monkeys’ join the fray and attack you en masse with their vicious backlash, it’s time to exit with dignity.

My next post will address those foolish, blinded, flying monkeys. They’re chosen for a reason and are always to be found in the entourage of narcissistic abusers.